Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again.

I’m still trying to get someone to listen to me about the harassment from idiot. The prob. officer finally called me back and I met with her yesterday. I gave her all the writings in a packet like the lawyer suggested. The officer spent about 30 minutes with me and seemed sympathetic. She said she would talk to the idiot and tell him to stop. If he does not, she said she would tell him that she would file a violation of the order.

She asked if I had told the police about all of this. I said yes and they said there was nothing they could do. She asked if I talked to the coordinator about this. I said yes and she talked to the pros. and they all said there’s nothing they can do because there is no direct contact.

Just yesterday there was another posting from idiot. He asked me to talk to him. He still believes that we can “work things out” and that if I give him a chance he can prove how much he loves me. Ha! At least he finally admitted to throwing me in the tub. Funny how he denied that to the police.

I still vascilate between being so angry at him and at me for trusting him. Then I start to feel sorry for him - being alone, not having a steady job anymore, having a kid to take care of. But then I try to slap myself back into reality. This idiot is a liar and a cheater. He took everything from me, lied to me, and then beat me when I caught him in his lies.

I also tried to see my counselor again. We corresponded by email and set an appointment. She never verified the day though and my email to her to confirm is still unanswered. Part of me still feels like I need counseling. I need to talk to someone about these feelings I still have. I need to still look deeper into myself to understand my own behaviors and motivations. I still need to find me.

B is very supportive. I finally filled him in on all the updates and he was very supportive. I know it’s hard for him. He had a dream the other night that I was cheating on him. I could tell it hurt him, even though it was just a dream. I want him to know that I am committed to our relationship. That I’m not going to cheat on him. But given my past behavior and the crap that still comes up, I can understand why he thinks it’s possible.

And the path that we are going to take in our relationship is still undetermined. Sometimes I want to ask him what he wants, what he sees in store for us. But then I don’t know what I see. I’m not sure what I want. Do I want to be in a loving, committed, non-violent relationship? Yes. Do I want that right now? Yes and no. I love what we have right now. But just looking at myself, I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit to anything more. It’s unfair for me to ask him questions that I can’t even answer myself.